Lasers, Bagels, and Other Abstractions

Humoring Me

2009-09-17T12:38:00.000-07:00

Last night, I auditioned for Humor U, which is a BYU stand-up comedy troupe that turns out to be pretty successful here on campus.

I decided that, for posterity, I would textualize my audition here. It may not be word for word, but it's close.

The other day, I was talking to a friend of mine who likes movies. We both love movies, and we were talking about two excellent films, The Dark Knight and Julie and Julia. My friend told me that the Dark Knight is a better film than Julie and Julia. I suggested that those are two very different films, and he said, “I’m fan of comparing things.” I said, “Anything?” He said, “Yeah.” I said, “Like, people and…bread?”

Man, this Nature’s Pride 12-grain is way cooler than…Derek. Well, maybe, but that’s not the point. I started thinking of all the different kinds of things you could compare.

Like motorcycles and disposable diapers. Motorcycles, definitely.

Or how about Dental Work and Christmas. I choose Christmas.

Or maybe happiness and, I don’t know, mud. I guess that would be a hard choice if mud makes you really happy.

That sort of reminds me of those cryptic online personality tests that turn out to be little more than ill-conceived “would you rather” questions.

Would you rather A) Be hugged or B) Have nightmares?

Would you rather have A) a new puppy or B) AIDS?

Would you rather A) Eat candy or B) Be eaten by candy?

I hope I didn't offend anyone with the AIDS question, since I figured that anyone who actually has AIDS probably knows that having a puppy is better than that terrifying, incurable disease.

Anyway, if you answered B to one or more of those questions, then you are a…click here to get your results!

Comparisons

2009-09-07T16:08:00.001-07:00

I have a friend who likes to compare things.

I said, "Perhaps it's unwise to compare The Dark Knight and Slumdog Millionaire, because they are such different movies."

He said, "I'm a fan of comparing things."

I thought, Like people and...bread?

{This 12-grain bread is way better than Derek.}

At the end of the day, though, I think it's important for me to acknowledge that I really do like oranges a LOT better than apples. I mean, who doesn't? My friend may be right. Comparisons are basically always legitimate.

First from the Road

2009-08-29T19:20:00.001-07:00

Parting words of the day: "Remember, there's no shame in using lubricant."

Before you make any assumptions, this is in reference to someone leaving to, presumably, go lay eggs.

Easy Mac

2009-08-19T14:14:00.001-07:00

Directions:

REMOVE lid and Cheese Sauce Mix; set aside. (Note: You will see loose white powder in Pasta. This is necessary for proper cooking.)

ADD WATER to fill-line in cup. STIR.

MICROWAVE, uncovered, on HIGH 3-1/2 min, or until pasta is tender.
DO NOT DRAIN. (Excess liquid is needed to make cheese sauce.)

CAUTION: CUP AND CONTENTS WILL BE VERY HOT! KEEP CUP UPRIGHT TO AVOID SPILLS

STIR IN cheese sauce mix until well blended. (Cheese sauce will thicken upon standing.)

Breakdown:

"Cheese Sauce Mix" First of all, I'm unsettled by the kind of branding that demands the first letters of each of these words be capitalized. Also, what is it, really? Because I'm now left certain that its relationship to cheese, as I understand it, is distant at best.

"Note:" What follows feels more like a "WARNING." And I'm overwhelmed with a desire to know why the "loose white powder...is necessary for proper cooking."

"Excess liquid is needed to make cheese sauce." Mmm. I can feel my hunger diminishing already. I didn't even need to eat any of it! How miraculously satisfying.

"Cheese sauce will thicken upon standing," eventually gaining sentience. Eat before Cheese Sauce becomes aggressive.

Parting considerations:

What about these directions leads the reader to believe that he is eating actual food? That's rhetorical. Here's a real question. In the event of an apocalypse/complete societal collapse, will Easy Mac be something that we miss? Please, share your thoughts.

Applied Farting

2009-08-10T14:38:00.000-07:00

I've been looking into getting an iPhone. More importantly:

iFeud

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Spinal Tap Performance

I love The Daily Show.

I Want a Pony!

2009-07-20T16:37:00.000-07:00

Here be more ponies!

Literally Literal Literalness

2009-07-14T16:48:00.000-07:00

Maybe these are just new to me, but oh man...

There are others. Try Googling "Total Eclipse of the Heart literal version," which is actually a little funnier and a LOT weirder.

TV Tropes

2009-07-13T13:34:00.000-07:00

This happened to me today.

Seriously, do NOT click on this link.

Hollywood Updates

2009-06-29T10:13:00.000-07:00

My declaration: Brilliant.

Funny Videos | Funny Cartoons | More Video Clips

Originally posted here.

Words I Hate a Little Bit

2009-06-09T13:36:00.000-07:00

Random.

It was a noble word in the beginning, but then it got stolen by empty-headed teenagers and train-raped by idiots with no vocabulary and an over saturated sensibility for pop-culture. Take a moment, if you will, and let this enter your ears...

"OMG, that's so random! LOL!!!"

Does that sound familiar? Does it cause your insides to move upwards slightly? If it doesn't, don't talk to me.

Poor Horrifying Monster...

2009-06-08T16:40:00.000-07:00

I subscribe to the Cartoon Brew blog. They have a running post-series called Cartoon Brew TV. Some of the best animated shorts I've ever seen have been put into my eyes as a result of this rather insightful little series. Here's the new one (Called "The Terrible Thing of Alpha-9!"):

Candy Dreams

2009-06-05T16:19:00.000-07:00

This has been on my mind for a while. Ever since it happened the first time... I don't really know how to describe it--what it means to me. I know how I feel about it, that much is certain. But where will I end up if this kind of thing continues? Is it healthy? I feel as the hungry man who dreameth, and, behold, he eateth; but he awaketh, and his soul is empty: or as when a thirsty man dreameth, and, behold, he drinketh; but he awaketh, and, behold, he is faint, and his soul hath appetite.

It's been over two months, and I can't let go of my regret, sharp and bitter. Why didn't I visit the Jelly Belly factory when I was in San Francisco?

I bought a bag at an outlet store. Five dollars for two pounds. But there were only a dozen flavors, and none of my favorites. I haven't even finished the bag. It's like a cruel joke.

I went to a wedding about a month ago, and Jelly Bellies were handed out as party favors. It was like living out a fantasy--but it only lasted the night. They were gone so quickly...

And so my fevered brain resorts to the dream world in a vain attempt to sate the exquisite hunger for those perfect little candies.

I am in a store... I see shelf upon shelf of Jelly Bellies...there are so many flavors...every flavor... They are on sale--what joy! ... I agonize over what to buy, which are my favorite, which will go best together? ... I choose carefully, conscious of my finances, prudent as always... But there are so many! And so many sales! ... I have chosen, I have bags...filled with the perfect selections... I still cannot believe my fortune...

And then I wake up.

New Word - #1

2009-06-03T17:21:00.000-07:00

Mexcellent - The Mexican version of "excellent"

Oh My Taco

2009-06-02T15:16:00.000-07:00

Estimated cost: $73.00

find a different bridge

2009-05-21T13:11:00.000-07:00

Please click here.

I laughed so that I couldn't breath for several seconds--silently because I'm in a library. But there were little tears in my eyes.

I really love this comic.

Illusions...

2009-05-18T11:55:00.000-07:00

I found these illusions (NOT tricks) the other day, and thought I had better share. Because if we don't share things like these with each other, we are no better than the animals.

From the article:

The three best visual illusions in the world were chosen at a gathering last weekend of neuroscientists and psychologists at the Naples Philharmonic Center for the Arts in Florida.

Happy brain-breaking.

Dandelions

2009-05-18T10:17:00.000-07:00

I have a friend named Dan Pelissier. He's a man with a house. And a yard. He lives in Massachusetts, but his yard has no grass. It has dandelions.

Years ago, he explained to me that having dandelions in your yard makes a lot more sense than grass.

First of all, they don't require any effort or money. They grow on their own, uniformly, wiping out other plant life--something we've never been able to get our beautiful grass to do.

Second of all, they're pretty.

Third (and most importantly), blowing dandelion seeds into the wind is pretty much the bomb diggity.

Tangentially, he informed me that this practice made his neighbor (who keeps an incredibly high-maintenance, expensive grass lawn) furious. But he hated his neighbor, so that turned out to also be a benefit.

So. Dandelions vs. Grass. It's on.

Thoughts?

Air Instead

2009-05-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

I was at a party at which cake was being eaten.

Someone choked on the cake (being eaten).

I helpfully suggested the following: Cake is not for breathing.

This is a truism that feels important to me. There are lots of things a person ought not to breath, and cake is, I think I can safely say, among the foremost.

Out of Everything, This

2009-04-07T20:37:00.000-07:00

Since becoming a...um..."blogger," I find myself thinking, at least once a day, "Oh, I could blog about that."

But I don't. Usually, ever. Instead, I'll be sitting at a computer, and just spontaneously decide to share something funny I find on the web. Here it is:

Provocola

2009-04-01T10:35:00.000-07:00

I'm not one to jump on bandwagons, but...oh wait--this isn't even a bandwagon yet. The purpose of this post is to contribute to the starting of a bandwagon. Bandwagon. (Bandwagon.)

But really, this is pretty fantastic.

Valley 3 News: BYU Brings Caffeine to Campus from Jimmy Newell on Vimeo.

Meaningless Conversation

2009-03-18T10:27:00.001-07:00

The other day, I ran into an old friend and had this exchange:

Me: "Oh my gosh, look who it is!"

Her: "Hey, how are you? I haven't seen you in…what, two years?"

Me: "Yeah, wow, how have you been?"

Her: "I've been really good."

Me: "So what have you been up to?"

Her: "Oh, you know, just stayin' out of trouble."

…

So, being me, I couldn't help but consider the alternative. What if the conversation had gone differently?

"So what have you been up to?"

"I'm actually in a lot of trouble right now. Thing is, I murdered a guy a while back, and it's been—well, you know, it's just been really tough to keep my head down, and…yeah, I'm just in a bit of a bind, but I think I'll be alright. What about you? What are you doing these days?"

I so hope that no one takes offense at my pointing out the banality of some most of our small talk. But maybe think for a minute about how you answer polite questions. With a little effort, you could really spice up the conversation.

Have You Ever Played the Atari?

2009-02-14T13:31:00.000-08:00

If you're older than...oh, let's say 21, then murky images from your childhood should be bubbling to the surface of your consciousness right about now.

Let's take a moment and reflect upon the time we spend with that dear machine...

You are now free to wonder what motivated this topic. See, I've just been on this Ataris kick recently (for those of you feeling confused, I'm talking about the band "The Ataris," but I couldn't say "I've just been on this The Ataris kick recently," because that sounds really stupid [end of parenthetical]).

Listening to that band makes me feel like I'm 17 again, but in the good way. Not like "I'm angsty and selfish and living at home," but like, "I'm passionate and playful and innocently eager to get on with life."

Nostalgic favorite from High School:

San Dimas High School Football Rules on "Blue Skies, Broken Hearts...Next 12 Exits"

I'm going to make you dinner.

2009-01-20T15:50:00.000-08:00

:::A window into the way my brain works:::

Someone said, "I'm going to make you dinner."

A typical human might understand that statement to mean, "I am going to make some dinner for you to eat."

I hear, "I'm going to make you dinner."

So what? you might say (or think, if you're not in the habit of verbalizing such things)

Well, think about this: "I'm going to make steak dinner."

Except replace "steak" with "you."

Apply broadly: "You know, Steve's a nice guy. I should make Steve dinner sometime."

Too bad Steve won't be able to personally enjoy it.

Lost? They're going to eat Steve for dinner. Least, that's what I heard.

:::Window closed:::

Again, Stealing from Smarter, Funnier People

2009-01-04T10:17:00.000-08:00

It's probably wrong to post some other website's comics on my blog. So call it marketing. I love xkcd, and I want everyone else to love them as well.

Goner

2008-12-29T21:11:00.000-08:00

Something to Seriously Consider

2008-12-28T15:51:00.001-08:00

Fairytales?

or...

Fairytails?

For every exotic object (such as a disemfairied tail), there is a collector (or collectors). What might be the best way to store these presumably magical objects?

After Too Long an Absence, I Bring You…

2008-12-24T11:25:00.001-08:00

OK listen. I'm sorry. I maintain two blogs, and this one used to be more popular. Unfortunately, I personally enjoy posting in the other one more. I've spent more time making it look sort of neat, and sometimes I go back and read the posts (which are most often movie reviews) because I'm narcissistic enough to get off on reading my own writing more frequently than is appropriate or healthy.

Oh well.

So, I found this the other day. It's from a website called Graphjam, to which I was pointed by my very good friend, contine—I mean Asia. This one is dumb but made me chuckle, which is how it earned its place here:

If you didn't think that was at all humorous, you'll be happy to know I have a contingency plan. Nothing dramatic, just a different flavor of funny.

(And for this one, I have Laura to thank.)

I'll try not to stay away for so long next time. But really, if you're dying for some Jordan-speak, perhaps you could try sating yourself with my slightly-less-funny but still super awesome blog. (It's called "My Big Mouth," which is…sort of funny, right?)

Alright, until next time, here's to hoping you all survive gentrification.

Donny Boy

2008-10-13T10:53:00.000-07:00

I've made a discovery. It's a personal one, for sure, since this guy has certainly been kicking importantly around for over a decade now. But he's new to me. And what a wonderful thing to find. I've been sort of obsessing over his stuff for almost a week now, so I figured he more than warranted his own place in my blog.

My favorite so far: The Animation Show (Don Hertzfeldt)

You'll want to watch the whole thing here.

If We Killed Him, He'd Be Funnier

2008-10-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

Listen, I'm deeply sorry if you're one of those people who still thinks Garfield is funny (I'm not altogether sure those people exist, but if they do, and you are one of them...), but it (meaning the comic) is not. And it has not been funny for...well, for as long as I can remember. Garfield is, of course, iconic, so I also don't remember when I was first introduced to him, but I never remember having laughed.

However, by some mystical stroke of absolute, dazzling genius, someone has figured out how to make Jim Davis funny (a feat assumed impossible by greater minds than mine):

Find more of them (a LOT more of them) here.

PS: Be sure and click on that link so I don't get sued. And because everyone who's ever been tasked with the impossibility of understanding why Garfield is still in print should visit that page.

Watch, Laugh, and Become Very Ill

2008-10-07T16:17:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's hideous and despicable. But it's also fantastically animated. (And funny. It's very funny.)

Worthless Pile of Steaming Refuse

2008-09-16T16:26:00.000-07:00

I'm a terrible blogger. The neglect is just...it's absolutely terrible. I am ashamed of myself and of you. Why you? Because you're here, even though I have proven that I am a worthless pile of steaming refuse.

But, since you ARE here, I might as well write an actual post.

You know how, if you're keeping a journal, and you fall behind, it's hard to get yourself to sit down and write again because you imagine that you have to cover all the ground you've missed since the last time you wrote? That somewhat explains my neglect.

Instead of having posts on some of these things, allow me to just bullet them in, and if you're interested, you can look up more information/opinions/randomly, loosely related material.

Dr. Stranglove - I finally saw it, and I LOVED it. Kubrick is a genius. A genius. I'm not exagerating. The man is a true, over-the-top, blow-your-mind, I-feel-like-a-much-dumber-person-even-thinking-about-it genius. Watch this movie. Five times.
Sarah Palin who? - Yes, I'm terribly excited, just like most of the rest of the Republican base and all of the non-feminazi women in the country (and, I'm sure, many outside of it as well.)
10 Things I Hate About You - You're wondering if I just saw this movie for the first time. How dare you wonder that? No, I just saw it again for the first time in a while. Is it as simply wonderful as I've always thought of it to be? Short answer: yes. It's not a perfect film, but it's spectacularly charming and still stands heads and shoulders above every other teen movie ever made (I'm not including John Cusack's masterpiece Better Off Dead)
David Copperfield - I'm currently reading it, and it's making me a better writer. Dickens is like the elixir of literary ability.
Blues Traveler - Turns out they're really good. I know, I'm about a decade late for this one, but better late than...oh nevermind.
Charlie Chaplin - *swoon* I love this man. When you have spare minutes to spend on YouTube, type this name in to feel good. Several of his contemporaries were just as magnificent (such as Buster Keaton), but I'm mad with respect and admiration for Charles right now, and that's all I have to say. Except for pointing you toward this video:

Hm. There's a lot more. And what I wrote probably doesn't come close to covering all of the really burning-important things I really, REALLY meant to blog about. Oh well.

Here's the latest, best thing, though:

If you know anything about what's going on in the frenzied banality of the current political landscape, I predict audible laughter on your part. I laughed pretty hard--which is something that SNL has failed to help me do for years.

I won't let two months slip by again. I promise. And promises are like candy...you never forget about them and look forward to eating them at the first available opportunity. Also, they come wrapped in shiny paper sometimes, which I always enjoy.

Happy Union

2008-08-11T08:27:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, XKCD and Google cross paths, and when that happens, I rejoice. Here is why:

Hamster Me

2008-08-04T13:57:00.000-07:00

This is very funny:

Avada Kedavra

2008-08-02T18:23:00.000-07:00

I've been wondering about these words.

I read Harry Potter late. I was reading book 3 after the 7th deally had already come out. I even successfully avoided catching any spoilers until I had finished the entire behemoth of words. I even enjoyed myself. (I was a Harry Potter hater before I got into them. Now I'm a Harry Potter tolerant.)

There was a lot of silliness all throughout the books. Just...a lot of it. You know. I don't have to prove that much of that giant franchise is pretty ridiculous. But it was fun. And it seemed, for the most part, that Rowling had a handle on how to treat some subjects seriously enough to get the reader invested in the story she was trying to tell.

But then... "Abracadabra!" Wait, what?

"It's the killing curse" (the most evil possible thing you can ever do as a wizard). "ABRACADABRA!!!"

Abracadabra? Really?

"No! It's Avada Kedavra!"

Oooooh. Oh that's much different. I see.

So, what I'm getting here is that J.K. Rowling, in her attempt to envision the most bone-chilling curse imaginable, made up a couple of words that, when said together, sound almost exactly like the word Bugs Bunny uses when he's pretending to be a genie. I just...I just don't understand how I'm supposed to take this seriously.

I also struggle to get my head around the idea that the ultimate, unforgivable spell results in what amounts to a quick and painless death. Shoot, I'd take that over some of the pranks the kid-wizards pull any day.

I've resolved that if I ever meet J.K. Rowling in person, I'm going to pull out a short stick and shout, "Avada Kedavra!" at her. Why? Eh. I don't think these things through.

Your three letters are not my three letters

2008-07-28T11:43:00.000-07:00

From now on, this is how I will interpret the following (internet lingo/overused acronyms/mortifying displays of shameful laziness):

LOL - Little Old Ladies ["What about them?" I shall ask.]

BRB - Bringing Rap Back ["Well, that sounds foolish and unnecessary," I might say.]

WTF - Why The Frown? ["No, silly! It's, 'Why so SERIOUS?'"]

BFF - Big Fat Friend ["Come now, would you say that to her face?"]

OMG - Orangutans Make Grapes ["...No they don't."]

IDK - I Don't Kare ["It's spelled with a 'c'. Besides, I think you DO care."]

SOL - Sort Of Lying ["You're either lying or you're not. Now I don't know what to believe."]

G2G - Going to Gary's ["Who's Gary?"]

Anyway, I'm sure there's more, but for now, I'm g2g.

I Can Hear the Fat Birds Singing

2008-07-25T21:59:00.000-07:00

Don't read this post.

But!

If you do decide to read further, I will expose unto you the mysteries of the wide universe. I will pass these mysteries on to you as soon as I receive them. How will I know that you have read and therefore deserve said mysteries? Because by then I will know the mysteries of the wide universe--it stands to reason that I would also know whether you are deserving of those same mysteries.

Mysteries.

Well anyway.

...

Thing is.... Alright okay. I don't have any mysteries right now.

I really wish you hadn't kept reading.

Drilling for Cats

2008-07-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

So. Turns out that we're having...what? Energy problems? Like, oil's way expensive, or something? Anyway, a lot of people are upset, and apparently it's really politically complicated to...drill for...more oil....

Well anyway whatever. I have a better solution.

Cats. Some estimates put the stray cat population in the U.S. at 70 million. Seventy million cats. These cats could be harnessed for their collective transporting power--say...eight or ten cats per person (which person would be wearing, probably, rollerblades). I know, I know, this wouldn't solve all of our problems, but it would certainly relieve at least some of the pressure on the demand for oil.

Also, the carcasses of dead cats could be fed into environmentally friendly, efficiently burning engines. We have the technology. Why don't we invent things like that? Instead, the majority of these dead animals are left rotting in the streets or in garbage heaps. Wasted.

If oil is black gold, then certainly cats are the new, furry gold. That old lady across the street? She's sitting on a goldmine. A furry goldmine.

Funertaining

2008-07-02T18:05:00.000-07:00

At the risk of being redundant, I made up a "real" new word.

Yes, I'm admitting that the last one was pointless and ridiculous.

But this one...

I don't even need to talk about it. It's "fun" and "entertaining" put together. Very simple. Very effective. Very funertaining.

Use it or die.

FAXNALWEB

2008-06-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

Faxnalweb : (adjective) [FAX-nul-web] - 1.) Above mediocre expectations; pleasing 2.) groovy; of or relating to a particular groove.

Human Rights Deactivist

2008-06-17T11:41:00.000-07:00

This post was motivated by the fact that a Google search for "Human Rights Deactivist" currently puts this blog in the top spot in the search results. This makes me very happy. Like finding out you were famous for one day in an obscure, sparsely populated nation.

I felt obligated to come up with a working definition of Human Rights Deactivist: A person or institution which works actively to prevent others from exercising their fundamental human rights. I realize that this definition is pretty intuitive once you read it, but there you go.

So, recently, I've been thinking of people, professions, and organizations who would qualify as Human Rights Deactivists. Here is my list (in no particular order):

Prison Guards
Dictators
Elementary School Teachers
Hall Monitors
Wal-Mart
Microsoft
Rapists
Murderers
Thieves
Skeletor
Magneto
George Lucas
Michael Moore
High School Teachers
Islamic Extremists
The Teletubbies
Harry Reid
Voldemort
Environmentalist Jihads
The Euro
Russia
Uncrustables

This list is not comprehensive, balanced, educated or...really, worth anything at all. But I think, nonetheless, that it is a good list. Memorize it; it will be on the test.

Inexperiences

2008-06-10T14:16:00.000-07:00

If I have tons of experience with something, that's an asset, right? Well, I guess it depends what the something is. It would be good to be experienced as a bank teller, but bad to be experienced as a bank robber.

Here are some other binary examples:

Astronomist vs. Astrologist

Firefighter vs. Arsonist

Human Rights Activist vs.... Human Rights Deactivist

Cartographer vs. Pornographer

Well anyway. I guess you get the idea. The problem is, what if you want to be able to claim a lot of experience in something (like, for a resume), but you can't. What do you do? You claim inexperience. But here's the real trick: don't claim inexperience in something positive--"I have a lot of inexperience in law enforcement"--claim it in something negative--"I have had extensive inexperience in murdering other people."

Better yet, compare yourself to someone who's inexperience equals your own in some related field. "Like Spielberg, I have had many inexperiences with cannibalism. In fact, I would say that my inexperience on this front is totally unsurpassed."

"Surely," your target audience will assume, "this man is at least as qualified, then, as Steven Spielberg."

When it comes to inexperience, you see, your credentials can be truly limitless.

Animals hold the keys to my heart. Apparently.

2008-06-05T08:01:00.000-07:00

What Are The Keys To Your Heart? an online survey asks (thoroughly misunderstanding the rules of capitalization, I might add. In a better, smarter online world...never mind. You either know what's wrong or you don't.)

What follows this hook of a question is a list of eight questions about animals. Here's an example:

If you had the power to tame all kinds of animals, you'll choose what kind of animal to be your pet?

White Tiger
Dinosaur
Polar Bear
Leopard

Do questions get more compelling?

Anyway, what turns up are something like horoscopes, in that all of the "Keys" end up being statements that many or most people would probably agree with--at least, they're things most people would at least pretend were true about themselves. Here are the results to the quiz/Keys To My Heart: (I've decided that they're too boring without my endlessly witty comments)

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
(Yeah, I don't go for the slave type. Or the bridled girls. You know.)

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
(Strange, I actually prefer the unoriginal type who occasionally bores me.)

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
(Do you know anyone who wants their lover to assume they can't be trusted?)

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.
(Who or what, may I ask, would do the forcing?)

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
(I don't know. I'm all for the one-night-stands. My ideal relationship would be with a girl whose name I had trouble remembering and was over the next day.)

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
(...can you see the halo over my head as I nod in blithe consent?)

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
(Most of my thought processes are subtly contradictory, so this one's spot on.)

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.
(I got nothing.)

Well, I hope that was informative for anyone who is actively searching for the keys to this cold, hard heart.

Thinking: A How-To Guide on Being Productive

2008-06-04T16:00:00.000-07:00

Today, I found myself looking at an endless parade of boring facebook pictures and had an epiphany. I worry, constantly, that I'm not as productive as I'd like to be. And then I wonder why that is--what's holding me back from my inner Type-A personality (I always dream of being Type-A, but I think I operate on more of a Type-D, or E level).

Epiphany: AHA! When I stare unthinkingly at facebook pictures, I fail to be productive! So is it wrong to look at facebook pictures? No, it's just pointless, but that's beside the point--the point is that there's a different point that points to pointing out that there's a point at which I swear I have a point....

I think there was something about bunnies. NO! That was before. We're done with bunnies. Now, it's about thinking, or not thinking--it's about falling into the trap of doing things unthinkingly, like reading another whole article on Hilary Clinton's failed campaign.

So, here's my guide to being productive: Think.

Courtesy of Alyssa Smith

2008-06-03T12:16:00.000-07:00

This trumps the one from a couple days ago.

Dante

2008-06-02T15:46:00.001-07:00

Devil May Cry is cool.

Wait, better--Dante is so cool. What a bad-a, I mean really. With those guns, and that sick sword, and that white hair.

I remember this one time, when, a sword shot out of a wall and nailed Dante to the wall. So then he, like, pulls himself off the wall with the sword still anchored into the wood, hilt and everything just right through his body. Then he turns around and rips the sword off the wall and says something like, I think (if I remember), "Cool." Cause Dante's not much of a talker. Or a thinker. But, man, is he a bad-a.

Pain

2008-05-30T15:21:00.000-07:00

Pain in my face

Pain in my face originating in my eyes

Pain in my face originating in my eyes and making me ill

Pain in my face originating in my eyes and making me ill as I stare

Pain in my face originating in my eyes and making me ill as I stare in horror and disbelief

Pain in my face originating in my eyes and making me ill as I stare in horror and disbelief at a bunny

Pain in my face originating in my eyes and making me ill as I stare in horror and disbelief at bunny saying...

..."Hello."

Woops. There went my lunch. Oh wait...OK, I think that's the last of--

...

*Gasp*

Literally

2008-05-30T09:04:00.000-07:00

So here's a pet peeve: People use the word "literally" for emphasis. Here are some wonderful examples.

I thought--literally--I thought I was going to die.
(Actual thought: "This is very unpleasant.")

She literally flew across the finish line!
("She crossed the finish line very, very fast.")

I'm literally starving to death right now.
("I've very hungry.")

My arms were literally falling off.
("My arms were very sore.")

I literally couldn't sleep at all last night.
("I didn't sleep very well last night.")

My head is literally going to explode.
("I'm fairly certain that my head will not literally explode.")

And here's one from the New York Daily News:
"Rep. Anthony Weiner, a likely 2009 mayoral candidate, is pouring his heart into Hillary Clinton's White House bid - literally."

I also recommend a look at this entertaining article. But only if, you know, you're anxious to become so irritated your head literally explodes.

Butterflies are ugly

2008-05-29T08:51:00.000-07:00

You don't believe me, look at one up close.

I just made up a new word:

SPECTABULISTIC

Yes, it's just one more unfunny example of someone (in this case, me) trying to hide the sad fact that their vocabulary is woefully sub-par. I can sound smart and clever by combining synonyms for "good." For example, here is a list of synonyms:

Fantabulous
Beautifical
Wondertastic
Marvelicious
Danderific
Stupendiful

Definition: Really, really, really good.

And then there's the slowly dying word, the mere utterance of which some overly-large families still find unjustifiably hilarious: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

Be wise, my friends, and never, ever utter that word. I should also add that singing the song is probably akin to signing a social death warrant.

2008-05-28T16:45:00.001-07:00

Today, I thought about the fact that I'm single. And then I thought (as I often do, here, a Mormon, at BYU and getting older every day), "Who will I marry?"

Because I consider this to be a question of surpassing import, I decided to ask the Internet. Here is what the Internet told me:

"never get married your happy single. but thats not to say you cant look for a good time keep your eyes open and look your best."

Well spoken, Internet. Thank you for your wise counsel.