Humoring Me

Last night, I auditioned for Humor U, which is a BYU stand-up comedy troupe that turns out to be pretty successful here on campus.

I decided that, for posterity, I would textualize my audition here. It may not be word for word, but it's close.

The other day, I was talking to a friend of mine who likes movies. We both love movies, and we were talking about two excellent films, The Dark Knight and Julie and Julia. My friend told me that the Dark Knight is a better film than Julie and Julia. I suggested that those are two very different films, and he said, “I’m fan of comparing things.” I said, “Anything?” He said, “Yeah.” I said, “Like, people and…bread?”

Man, this Nature’s Pride 12-grain is way cooler than…Derek. Well, maybe, but that’s not the point. I started thinking of all the different kinds of things you could compare.

Like motorcycles and disposable diapers. Motorcycles, definitely.

Or how about Dental Work and Christmas. I choose Christmas.

Or maybe happiness and, I don’t know, mud. I guess that would be a hard choice if mud makes you really happy.

That sort of reminds me of those cryptic online personality tests that turn out to be little more than ill-conceived “would you rather” questions.

Would you rather A) Be hugged or B) Have nightmares?

Would you rather have A) a new puppy or B) AIDS?

Would you rather A) Eat candy or B) Be eaten by candy?

I hope I didn't offend anyone with the AIDS question, since I figured that anyone who actually has AIDS probably knows that having a puppy is better than that terrifying, incurable disease.

Anyway, if you answered B to one or more of those questions, then you are a…click here to get your results!

Comparisons

I have a friend who likes to compare things.

I said, "Perhaps it's unwise to compare The Dark Knight and Slumdog Millionaire, because they are such different movies."

He said, "I'm a fan of comparing things."

I thought, Like people and...bread?

{This 12-grain bread is way better than Derek.}

At the end of the day, though, I think it's important for me to acknowledge that I really do like oranges a LOT better than apples. I mean, who doesn't? My friend may be right. Comparisons are basically always legitimate.

First from the Road

Parting words of the day: "Remember, there's no shame in using lubricant."

Before you make any assumptions, this is in reference to someone leaving to, presumably, go lay eggs.

Easy Mac

Directions:

REMOVE lid and Cheese Sauce Mix; set aside. (Note: You will see loose white powder in Pasta. This is necessary for proper cooking.)

ADD WATER to fill-line in cup. STIR.

MICROWAVE, uncovered, on HIGH 3-1/2 min, or until pasta is tender.
DO NOT DRAIN. (Excess liquid is needed to make cheese sauce.)

CAUTION: CUP AND CONTENTS WILL BE VERY HOT! KEEP CUP UPRIGHT TO AVOID SPILLS

STIR IN cheese sauce mix until well blended. (Cheese sauce will thicken upon standing.)

Breakdown:

"Cheese Sauce Mix" First of all, I'm unsettled by the kind of branding that demands the first letters of each of these words be capitalized. Also, what is it, really? Because I'm now left certain that its relationship to cheese, as I understand it, is distant at best.

"Note:" What follows feels more like a "WARNING." And I'm overwhelmed with a desire to know why the "loose white powder...is necessary for proper cooking."

"Excess liquid is needed to make cheese sauce." Mmm. I can feel my hunger diminishing already. I didn't even need to eat any of it! How miraculously satisfying.

"Cheese sauce will thicken upon standing," eventually gaining sentience. Eat before Cheese Sauce becomes aggressive.

Parting considerations:

What about these directions leads the reader to believe that he is eating actual food? That's rhetorical. Here's a real question. In the event of an apocalypse/complete societal collapse, will Easy Mac be something that we miss? Please, share your thoughts.

Applied Farting

I've been looking into getting an iPhone. More importantly:

iFeud

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Spinal Tap Performance

I love The Daily Show.

I Want a Pony!

Here be more ponies!

Literally Literal Literalness

Maybe these are just new to me, but oh man...



There are others. Try Googling "Total Eclipse of the Heart literal version," which is actually a little funnier and a LOT weirder.