Humoring Me

Last night, I auditioned for Humor U, which is a BYU stand-up comedy troupe that turns out to be pretty successful here on campus.

I decided that, for posterity, I would textualize my audition here. It may not be word for word, but it's close.

The other day, I was talking to a friend of mine who likes movies. We both love movies, and we were talking about two excellent films, The Dark Knight and Julie and Julia. My friend told me that the Dark Knight is a better film than Julie and Julia. I suggested that those are two very different films, and he said, “I’m fan of comparing things.” I said, “Anything?” He said, “Yeah.” I said, “Like, people and…bread?”

Man, this Nature’s Pride 12-grain is way cooler than…Derek. Well, maybe, but that’s not the point. I started thinking of all the different kinds of things you could compare.

Like motorcycles and disposable diapers. Motorcycles, definitely.

Or how about Dental Work and Christmas. I choose Christmas.

Or maybe happiness and, I don’t know, mud. I guess that would be a hard choice if mud makes you really happy.

That sort of reminds me of those cryptic online personality tests that turn out to be little more than ill-conceived “would you rather” questions.

Would you rather A) Be hugged or B) Have nightmares?

Would you rather have A) a new puppy or B) AIDS?

Would you rather A) Eat candy or B) Be eaten by candy?

I hope I didn't offend anyone with the AIDS question, since I figured that anyone who actually has AIDS probably knows that having a puppy is better than that terrifying, incurable disease.

Anyway, if you answered B to one or more of those questions, then you are a…click here to get your results!

Comparisons

I have a friend who likes to compare things.

I said, "Perhaps it's unwise to compare The Dark Knight and Slumdog Millionaire, because they are such different movies."

He said, "I'm a fan of comparing things."

I thought, Like people and...bread?

{This 12-grain bread is way better than Derek.}

At the end of the day, though, I think it's important for me to acknowledge that I really do like oranges a LOT better than apples. I mean, who doesn't? My friend may be right. Comparisons are basically always legitimate.

First from the Road

Parting words of the day: "Remember, there's no shame in using lubricant."

Before you make any assumptions, this is in reference to someone leaving to, presumably, go lay eggs.

Easy Mac

Directions:

REMOVE lid and Cheese Sauce Mix; set aside. (Note: You will see loose white powder in Pasta. This is necessary for proper cooking.)

ADD WATER to fill-line in cup. STIR.

MICROWAVE, uncovered, on HIGH 3-1/2 min, or until pasta is tender.
DO NOT DRAIN. (Excess liquid is needed to make cheese sauce.)

CAUTION: CUP AND CONTENTS WILL BE VERY HOT! KEEP CUP UPRIGHT TO AVOID SPILLS

STIR IN cheese sauce mix until well blended. (Cheese sauce will thicken upon standing.)

Breakdown:

"Cheese Sauce Mix" First of all, I'm unsettled by the kind of branding that demands the first letters of each of these words be capitalized. Also, what is it, really? Because I'm now left certain that its relationship to cheese, as I understand it, is distant at best.

"Note:" What follows feels more like a "WARNING." And I'm overwhelmed with a desire to know why the "loose white powder...is necessary for proper cooking."

"Excess liquid is needed to make cheese sauce." Mmm. I can feel my hunger diminishing already. I didn't even need to eat any of it! How miraculously satisfying.

"Cheese sauce will thicken upon standing," eventually gaining sentience. Eat before Cheese Sauce becomes aggressive.

Parting considerations:

What about these directions leads the reader to believe that he is eating actual food? That's rhetorical. Here's a real question. In the event of an apocalypse/complete societal collapse, will Easy Mac be something that we miss? Please, share your thoughts.

Applied Farting

I've been looking into getting an iPhone. More importantly:

iFeud

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Spinal Tap Performance

I love The Daily Show.

I Want a Pony!

Here be more ponies!

Literally Literal Literalness

Maybe these are just new to me, but oh man...



There are others. Try Googling "Total Eclipse of the Heart literal version," which is actually a little funnier and a LOT weirder.

TV Tropes

This happened to me today.

Seriously, do NOT click on this link.

Hollywood Updates

My declaration: Brilliant.

Funny Videos | Funny Cartoons | More Video Clips

Originally posted here.

Words I Hate a Little Bit

Random.

It was a noble word in the beginning, but then it got stolen by empty-headed teenagers and train-raped by idiots with no vocabulary and an over saturated sensibility for pop-culture. Take a moment, if you will, and let this enter your ears...

"OMG, that's so random! LOL!!!"

Does that sound familiar? Does it cause your insides to move upwards slightly? If it doesn't, don't talk to me.

Poor Horrifying Monster...

I subscribe to the Cartoon Brew blog. They have a running post-series called Cartoon Brew TV. Some of the best animated shorts I've ever seen have been put into my eyes as a result of this rather insightful little series. Here's the new one (Called "The Terrible Thing of Alpha-9!"):

Candy Dreams

This has been on my mind for a while. Ever since it happened the first time... I don't really know how to describe it--what it means to me. I know how I feel about it, that much is certain. But where will I end up if this kind of thing continues? Is it healthy? I feel as the hungry man who dreameth, and, behold, he eateth; but he awaketh, and his soul is empty: or as when a thirsty man dreameth, and, behold, he drinketh; but he awaketh, and, behold, he is faint, and his soul hath appetite.

It's been over two months, and I can't let go of my regret, sharp and bitter. Why didn't I visit the Jelly Belly factory when I was in San Francisco?

I bought a bag at an outlet store. Five dollars for two pounds. But there were only a dozen flavors, and none of my favorites. I haven't even finished the bag. It's like a cruel joke.

I went to a wedding about a month ago, and Jelly Bellies were handed out as party favors. It was like living out a fantasy--but it only lasted the night. They were gone so quickly...

And so my fevered brain resorts to the dream world in a vain attempt to sate the exquisite hunger for those perfect little candies.

I am in a store... I see shelf upon shelf of Jelly Bellies...there are so many flavors...every flavor... They are on sale--what joy! ... I agonize over what to buy, which are my favorite, which will go best together? ... I choose carefully, conscious of my finances, prudent as always... But there are so many! And so many sales! ... I have chosen, I have bags...filled with the perfect selections... I still cannot believe my fortune...

And then I wake up.

New Word - #1

Mexcellent - The Mexican version of "excellent"

Oh My Taco

Estimated cost: $73.00

find a different bridge

Please click here.

I laughed so that I couldn't breath for several seconds--silently because I'm in a library. But there were little tears in my eyes.

I really love this comic.

Illusions...

I found these illusions (NOT tricks) the other day, and thought I had better share. Because if we don't share things like these with each other, we are no better than the animals.

From the article:

The three best visual illusions in the world were chosen at a gathering last weekend of neuroscientists and psychologists at the Naples Philharmonic Center for the Arts in Florida.

Happy brain-breaking.

Dandelions

I have a friend named Dan Pelissier. He's a man with a house. And a yard. He lives in Massachusetts, but his yard has no grass. It has dandelions.

Years ago, he explained to me that having dandelions in your yard makes a lot more sense than grass.

First of all, they don't require any effort or money. They grow on their own, uniformly, wiping out other plant life--something we've never been able to get our beautiful grass to do.

Second of all, they're pretty.

Third (and most importantly), blowing dandelion seeds into the wind is pretty much the bomb diggity.

Tangentially, he informed me that this practice made his neighbor (who keeps an incredibly high-maintenance, expensive grass lawn) furious. But he hated his neighbor, so that turned out to also be a benefit.

So. Dandelions vs. Grass. It's on.

Thoughts?

Air Instead

I was at a party at which cake was being eaten.

Someone choked on the cake (being eaten).

I helpfully suggested the following: Cake is not for breathing.

This is a truism that feels important to me. There are lots of things a person ought not to breath, and cake is, I think I can safely say, among the foremost.

Out of Everything, This

Since becoming a...um..."blogger," I find myself thinking, at least once a day, "Oh, I could blog about that."

But I don't. Usually, ever. Instead, I'll be sitting at a computer, and just spontaneously decide to share something funny I find on the web. Here it is:

Provocola

I'm not one to jump on bandwagons, but...oh wait--this isn't even a bandwagon yet. The purpose of this post is to contribute to the starting of a bandwagon. Bandwagon. (Bandwagon.)

But really, this is pretty fantastic.


Valley 3 News: BYU Brings Caffeine to Campus from Jimmy Newell on Vimeo.

Meaningless Conversation

The other day, I ran into an old friend and had this exchange:

Me: "Oh my gosh, look who it is!"

Her: "Hey, how are you? I haven't seen you in…what, two years?"

Me: "Yeah, wow, how have you been?"

Her: "I've been really good."

Me: "So what have you been up to?"

Her: "Oh, you know, just stayin' out of trouble."

…

So, being me, I couldn't help but consider the alternative. What if the conversation had gone differently?

"So what have you been up to?"

"I'm actually in a lot of trouble right now. Thing is, I murdered a guy a while back, and it's been—well, you know, it's just been really tough to keep my head down, and…yeah, I'm just in a bit of a bind, but I think I'll be alright. What about you? What are you doing these days?"

I so hope that no one takes offense at my pointing out the banality of some most of our small talk. But maybe think for a minute about how you answer polite questions. With a little effort, you could really spice up the conversation.

Have You Ever Played the Atari?

If you're older than...oh, let's say 21, then murky images from your childhood should be bubbling to the surface of your consciousness right about now. 

Let's take a moment and reflect upon the time we spend with that dear machine...

You are now free to wonder what motivated this topic. See, I've just been on this Ataris kick recently (for those of you feeling confused, I'm talking about the band "The Ataris," but I couldn't say "I've just been on this The Ataris kick recently," because that sounds really stupid [end of parenthetical]). 

Listening to that band makes me feel like I'm 17 again, but in the good way. Not like "I'm angsty and selfish and living at home," but like, "I'm passionate and playful and innocently eager to get on with life." 

Nostalgic favorite from High School:

San Dimas High School Football Rules on "Blue Skies, Broken Hearts...Next 12 Exits"

I'm going to make you dinner.

:::A window into the way my brain works:::

Someone said, "I'm going to make you dinner."

A typical human might understand that statement to mean, "I am going to make some dinner for you to eat."

I hear, "I'm going to make you dinner."

So what? you might say (or think, if you're not in the habit of verbalizing such things)

Well, think about this: "I'm going to make steak dinner."

Except replace "steak" with "you."

Apply broadly: "You know, Steve's a nice guy. I should make Steve dinner sometime."

Too bad Steve won't be able to personally enjoy it.

Lost? They're going to eat Steve for dinner. Least, that's what I heard.

:::Window closed:::

Again, Stealing from Smarter, Funnier People

It's probably wrong to post some other website's comics on my blog. So call it marketing. I love xkcd, and I want everyone else to love them as well.