FAXNALWEB

Faxnalweb : (adjective) [FAX-nul-web] - 1.) Above mediocre expectations; pleasing 2.) groovy; of or relating to a particular groove.

Human Rights Deactivist

This post was motivated by the fact that a Google search for "Human Rights Deactivist" currently puts this blog in the top spot in the search results. This makes me very happy. Like finding out you were famous for one day in an obscure, sparsely populated nation.

I felt obligated to come up with a working definition of Human Rights Deactivist: A person or institution which works actively to prevent others from exercising their fundamental human rights. I realize that this definition is pretty intuitive once you read it, but there you go.

So, recently, I've been thinking of people, professions, and organizations who would qualify as Human Rights Deactivists. Here is my list (in no particular order):

Prison Guards
Dictators
Elementary School Teachers
Hall Monitors
Wal-Mart
Microsoft
Rapists
Murderers
Thieves
Skeletor
Magneto
George Lucas
Michael Moore
High School Teachers
Islamic Extremists
The Teletubbies
Harry Reid
Voldemort
Environmentalist Jihads
The Euro
Russia
Uncrustables

This list is not comprehensive, balanced, educated or...really, worth anything at all. But I think, nonetheless, that it is a good list. Memorize it; it will be on the test.

Inexperiences

If I have tons of experience with something, that's an asset, right? Well, I guess it depends what the something is. It would be good to be experienced as a bank teller, but bad to be experienced as a bank robber.

Here are some other binary examples:

Astronomist vs. Astrologist

Firefighter vs. Arsonist

Human Rights Activist vs.... Human Rights Deactivist

Cartographer vs. Pornographer

Well anyway. I guess you get the idea. The problem is, what if you want to be able to claim a lot of experience in something (like, for a resume), but you can't. What do you do? You claim inexperience. But here's the real trick: don't claim inexperience in something positive--"I have a lot of inexperience in law enforcement"--claim it in something negative--"I have had extensive inexperience in murdering other people."

Better yet, compare yourself to someone who's inexperience equals your own in some related field. "Like Spielberg, I have had many inexperiences with cannibalism. In fact, I would say that my inexperience on this front is totally unsurpassed."

"Surely," your target audience will assume, "this man is at least as qualified, then, as Steven Spielberg."

When it comes to inexperience, you see, your credentials can be truly limitless.

Animals hold the keys to my heart. Apparently.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart? an online survey asks (thoroughly misunderstanding the rules of capitalization, I might add. In a better, smarter online world...never mind. You either know what's wrong or you don't.)

What follows this hook of a question is a list of eight questions about animals. Here's an example:

1. If you had the power to tame all kinds of animals, you'll choose what kind of animal to be your pet?
• White Tiger
• Dinosaur
• Polar Bear
• Leopard

Do questions get more compelling?

Anyway, what turns up are something like horoscopes, in that all of the "Keys" end up being statements that many or most people would probably agree with--at least, they're things most people would at least pretend were true about themselves. Here are the results to the quiz/Keys To My Heart: (I've decided that they're too boring without my endlessly witty comments)

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
(Yeah, I don't go for the slave type. Or the bridled girls. You know.)

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
(Strange, I actually prefer the unoriginal type who occasionally bores me.)

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
(Do you know anyone who wants their lover to assume they can't be trusted?)

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.
(Who or what, may I ask, would do the forcing?)

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
(I don't know. I'm all for the one-night-stands. My ideal relationship would be with a girl whose name I had trouble remembering and was over the next day.)

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
(...can you see the halo over my head as I nod in blithe consent?)

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
(Most of my thought processes are subtly contradictory, so this one's spot on.)

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.
(I got nothing.)


Well, I hope that was informative for anyone who is actively searching for the keys to this cold, hard heart.

Thinking: A How-To Guide on Being Productive

Today, I found myself looking at an endless parade of boring facebook pictures and had an epiphany. I worry, constantly, that I'm not as productive as I'd like to be. And then I wonder why that is--what's holding me back from my inner Type-A personality (I always dream of being Type-A, but I think I operate on more of a Type-D, or E level).

Epiphany: AHA! When I stare unthinkingly at facebook pictures, I fail to be productive! So is it wrong to look at facebook pictures? No, it's just pointless, but that's beside the point--the point is that there's a different point that points to pointing out that there's a point at which I swear I have a point....

I think there was something about bunnies. NO! That was before. We're done with bunnies. Now, it's about thinking, or not thinking--it's about falling into the trap of doing things unthinkingly, like reading another whole article on Hilary Clinton's failed campaign.

So, here's my guide to being productive: Think.

Courtesy of Alyssa Smith

This trumps the one from a couple days ago.

Dante

Devil May Cry is cool.

Wait, better--Dante is so cool. What a bad-a, I mean really. With those guns, and that sick sword, and that white hair.

I remember this one time, when, a sword shot out of a wall and nailed Dante to the wall. So then he, like, pulls himself off the wall with the sword still anchored into the wood, hilt and everything just right through his body. Then he turns around and rips the sword off the wall and says something like, I think (if I remember), "Cool." Cause Dante's not much of a talker. Or a thinker. But, man, is he a bad-a.