Animals hold the keys to my heart. Apparently.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart? an online survey asks (thoroughly misunderstanding the rules of capitalization, I might add. In a better, smarter online world...never mind. You either know what's wrong or you don't.)

What follows this hook of a question is a list of eight questions about animals. Here's an example:

1. If you had the power to tame all kinds of animals, you'll choose what kind of animal to be your pet?
• White Tiger
• Dinosaur
• Polar Bear
• Leopard

Do questions get more compelling?

Anyway, what turns up are something like horoscopes, in that all of the "Keys" end up being statements that many or most people would probably agree with--at least, they're things most people would at least pretend were true about themselves. Here are the results to the quiz/Keys To My Heart: (I've decided that they're too boring without my endlessly witty comments)

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
(Yeah, I don't go for the slave type. Or the bridled girls. You know.)

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
(Strange, I actually prefer the unoriginal type who occasionally bores me.)

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
(Do you know anyone who wants their lover to assume they can't be trusted?)

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.
(Who or what, may I ask, would do the forcing?)

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
(I don't know. I'm all for the one-night-stands. My ideal relationship would be with a girl whose name I had trouble remembering and was over the next day.)

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
(...can you see the halo over my head as I nod in blithe consent?)

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
(Most of my thought processes are subtly contradictory, so this one's spot on.)

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.
(I got nothing.)


Well, I hope that was informative for anyone who is actively searching for the keys to this cold, hard heart.