Goner

<3

Something to Seriously Consider

Fairytales?

or...

Fairytails?

For every exotic object (such as a disemfairied tail), there is a collector (or collectors). What might be the best way to store these presumably magical objects?

After Too Long an Absence, I Bring You…

OK listen. I'm sorry. I maintain two blogs, and this one used to be more popular. Unfortunately, I personally enjoy posting in the other one more. I've spent more time making it look sort of neat, and sometimes I go back and read the posts (which are most often movie reviews) because I'm narcissistic enough to get off on reading my own writing more frequently than is appropriate or healthy.

Oh well.

So, I found this the other day. It's from a website called Graphjam, to which I was pointed by my very good friend, contine—I mean Asia. This one is dumb but made me chuckle, which is how it earned its place here:


If you didn't think that was at all humorous, you'll be happy to know I have a contingency plan. Nothing dramatic, just a different flavor of funny.

(And for this one, I have Laura to thank.)

I'll try not to stay away for so long next time. But really, if you're dying for some Jordan-speak, perhaps you could try sating yourself with my slightly-less-funny but still super awesome blog. (It's called "My Big Mouth," which is…sort of funny, right?)

Alright, until next time, here's to hoping you all survive gentrification.

Donny Boy

I've made a discovery. It's a personal one, for sure, since this guy has certainly been kicking importantly around for over a decade now. But he's new to me. And what a wonderful thing to find. I've been sort of obsessing over his stuff for almost a week now, so I figured he more than warranted his own place in my blog. 

My favorite so far: The Animation Show (Don Hertzfeldt)

You'll want to watch the whole thing here.

If We Killed Him, He'd Be Funnier

Listen, I'm deeply sorry if you're one of those people who still thinks Garfield is funny (I'm not altogether sure those people exist, but if they do, and you are one of them...), but it (meaning the comic) is not. And it has not been funny for...well, for as long as I can remember. Garfield is, of course, iconic, so I also don't remember when I was first introduced to him, but I never remember having laughed.

However, by some mystical stroke of absolute, dazzling genius, someone has figured out how to make Jim Davis funny (a feat assumed impossible by greater minds than mine):













Find more of them (a LOT more of them) here.

PS: Be sure and click on that link so I don't get sued. And because everyone who's ever been tasked with the impossibility of understanding why Garfield is still in print should visit that page.

Watch, Laugh, and Become Very Ill

Yes, it's hideous and despicable. But it's also fantastically animated. (And funny. It's very funny.)

Worthless Pile of Steaming Refuse

I'm a terrible blogger. The neglect is just...it's absolutely terrible. I am ashamed of myself and of you. Why you? Because you're here, even though I have proven that I am a worthless pile of steaming refuse.

But, since you ARE here, I might as well write an actual post.

You know how, if you're keeping a journal, and you fall behind, it's hard to get yourself to sit down and write again because you imagine that you have to cover all the ground you've missed since the last time you wrote? That somewhat explains my neglect.

Instead of having posts on some of these things, allow me to just bullet them in, and if you're interested, you can look up more information/opinions/randomly, loosely related material.

• Dr. Stranglove - I finally saw it, and I LOVED it. Kubrick is a genius. A genius. I'm not exagerating. The man is a true, over-the-top, blow-your-mind, I-feel-like-a-much-dumber-person-even-thinking-about-it genius. Watch this movie. Five times.
• Sarah Palin who? - Yes, I'm terribly excited, just like most of the rest of the Republican base and all of the non-feminazi women in the country (and, I'm sure, many outside of it as well.)
  
• 10 Things I Hate About You - You're wondering if I just saw this movie for the first time. How dare you wonder that? No, I just saw it again for the first time in a while. Is it as simply wonderful as I've always thought of it to be? Short answer: yes. It's not a perfect film, but it's spectacularly charming and still stands heads and shoulders above every other teen movie ever made (I'm not including John Cusack's masterpiece Better Off Dead)
• David Copperfield - I'm currently reading it, and it's making me a better writer. Dickens is like the elixir of literary ability.
• Blues Traveler - Turns out they're really good. I know, I'm about a decade late for this one, but better late than...oh nevermind.
• Charlie Chaplin - *swoon* I love this man. When you have spare minutes to spend on YouTube, type this name in to feel good. Several of his contemporaries were just as magnificent (such as Buster Keaton), but I'm mad with respect and admiration for Charles right now, and that's all I have to say. Except for pointing you toward this video:

Hm. There's a lot more. And what I wrote probably doesn't come close to covering all of the really burning-important things I really, REALLY meant to blog about. Oh well.

Here's the latest, best thing, though:



If you know anything about what's going on in the frenzied banality of the current political landscape, I predict audible laughter on your part. I laughed pretty hard--which is something that SNL has failed to help me do for years.

I won't let two months slip by again. I promise. And promises are like candy...you never forget about them and look forward to eating them at the first available opportunity. Also, they come wrapped in shiny paper sometimes, which I always enjoy.

Happy Union

Every once in a while, XKCD and Google cross paths, and when that happens, I rejoice. Here is why:

Hamster Me

This is very funny:

Avada Kedavra

I've been wondering about these words.

I read Harry Potter late. I was reading book 3 after the 7th deally had already come out. I even successfully avoided catching any spoilers until I had finished the entire behemoth of words. I even enjoyed myself. (I was a Harry Potter hater before I got into them. Now I'm a Harry Potter tolerant.)

There was a lot of silliness all throughout the books. Just...a lot of it. You know. I don't have to prove that much of that giant franchise is pretty ridiculous. But it was fun. And it seemed, for the most part, that Rowling had a handle on how to treat some subjects seriously enough to get the reader invested in the story she was trying to tell.

But then... "Abracadabra!" Wait, what?

"It's the killing curse" (the most evil possible thing you can ever do as a wizard). "ABRACADABRA!!!"

Abracadabra? Really?

"No! It's Avada Kedavra!"

Oooooh. Oh that's much different. I see.

So, what I'm getting here is that J.K. Rowling, in her attempt to envision the most bone-chilling curse imaginable, made up a couple of words that, when said together, sound almost exactly like the word Bugs Bunny uses when he's pretending to be a genie. I just...I just don't understand how I'm supposed to take this seriously.

I also struggle to get my head around the idea that the ultimate, unforgivable spell results in what amounts to a quick and painless death. Shoot, I'd take that over some of the pranks the kid-wizards pull any day.

I've resolved that if I ever meet J.K. Rowling in person, I'm going to pull out a short stick and shout, "Avada Kedavra!" at her. Why? Eh. I don't think these things through.

Your three letters are not my three letters

From now on, this is how I will interpret the following (internet lingo/overused acronyms/mortifying displays of shameful laziness):

LOL - Little Old Ladies ["What about them?" I shall ask.]

BRB - Bringing Rap Back ["Well, that sounds foolish and unnecessary," I might say.]

WTF - Why The Frown? ["No, silly! It's, 'Why so SERIOUS?'"]

BFF - Big Fat Friend ["Come now, would you say that to her face?"]

OMG - Orangutans Make Grapes ["...No they don't."]

IDK - I Don't Kare ["It's spelled with a 'c'. Besides, I think you DO care."]

SOL - Sort Of Lying ["You're either lying or you're not. Now I don't know what to believe."]

G2G - Going to Gary's ["Who's Gary?"]

Anyway, I'm sure there's more, but for now, I'm g2g.

I Can Hear the Fat Birds Singing

Don't read this post.

But!

If you do decide to read further, I will expose unto you the mysteries of the wide universe. I will pass these mysteries on to you as soon as I receive them. How will I know that you have read and therefore deserve said mysteries? Because by then I will know the mysteries of the wide universe--it stands to reason that I would also know whether you are deserving of those same mysteries.

Mysteries.

Well anyway.

...

Thing is.... Alright okay. I don't have any mysteries right now.

I really wish you hadn't kept reading.

Drilling for Cats

So. Turns out that we're having...what? Energy problems? Like, oil's way expensive, or something? Anyway, a lot of people are upset, and apparently it's really politically complicated to...drill for...more oil....

Well anyway whatever. I have a better solution.

Cats. Some estimates put the stray cat population in the U.S. at 70 million. Seventy million cats. These cats could be harnessed for their collective transporting power--say...eight or ten cats per person (which person would be wearing, probably, rollerblades). I know, I know, this wouldn't solve all of our problems, but it would certainly relieve at least some of the pressure on the demand for oil.

Also, the carcasses of dead cats could be fed into environmentally friendly, efficiently burning engines. We have the technology. Why don't we invent things like that? Instead, the majority of these dead animals are left rotting in the streets or in garbage heaps. Wasted.

If oil is black gold, then certainly cats are the new, furry gold. That old lady across the street? She's sitting on a goldmine. A furry goldmine.

Funertaining

At the risk of being redundant, I made up a "real" new word.

Yes, I'm admitting that the last one was pointless and ridiculous.

But this one...

I don't even need to talk about it. It's "fun" and "entertaining" put together. Very simple. Very effective. Very funertaining.

Use it or die.

FAXNALWEB

Faxnalweb : (adjective) [FAX-nul-web] - 1.) Above mediocre expectations; pleasing 2.) groovy; of or relating to a particular groove.

Human Rights Deactivist

This post was motivated by the fact that a Google search for "Human Rights Deactivist" currently puts this blog in the top spot in the search results. This makes me very happy. Like finding out you were famous for one day in an obscure, sparsely populated nation.

I felt obligated to come up with a working definition of Human Rights Deactivist: A person or institution which works actively to prevent others from exercising their fundamental human rights. I realize that this definition is pretty intuitive once you read it, but there you go.

So, recently, I've been thinking of people, professions, and organizations who would qualify as Human Rights Deactivists. Here is my list (in no particular order):

Prison Guards
Dictators
Elementary School Teachers
Hall Monitors
Wal-Mart
Microsoft
Rapists
Murderers
Thieves
Skeletor
Magneto
George Lucas
Michael Moore
High School Teachers
Islamic Extremists
The Teletubbies
Harry Reid
Voldemort
Environmentalist Jihads
The Euro
Russia
Uncrustables

This list is not comprehensive, balanced, educated or...really, worth anything at all. But I think, nonetheless, that it is a good list. Memorize it; it will be on the test.

Inexperiences

If I have tons of experience with something, that's an asset, right? Well, I guess it depends what the something is. It would be good to be experienced as a bank teller, but bad to be experienced as a bank robber.

Here are some other binary examples:

Astronomist vs. Astrologist

Firefighter vs. Arsonist

Human Rights Activist vs.... Human Rights Deactivist

Cartographer vs. Pornographer

Well anyway. I guess you get the idea. The problem is, what if you want to be able to claim a lot of experience in something (like, for a resume), but you can't. What do you do? You claim inexperience. But here's the real trick: don't claim inexperience in something positive--"I have a lot of inexperience in law enforcement"--claim it in something negative--"I have had extensive inexperience in murdering other people."

Better yet, compare yourself to someone who's inexperience equals your own in some related field. "Like Spielberg, I have had many inexperiences with cannibalism. In fact, I would say that my inexperience on this front is totally unsurpassed."

"Surely," your target audience will assume, "this man is at least as qualified, then, as Steven Spielberg."

When it comes to inexperience, you see, your credentials can be truly limitless.

Animals hold the keys to my heart. Apparently.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart? an online survey asks (thoroughly misunderstanding the rules of capitalization, I might add. In a better, smarter online world...never mind. You either know what's wrong or you don't.)

What follows this hook of a question is a list of eight questions about animals. Here's an example:

1. If you had the power to tame all kinds of animals, you'll choose what kind of animal to be your pet?
• White Tiger
• Dinosaur
• Polar Bear
• Leopard

Do questions get more compelling?

Anyway, what turns up are something like horoscopes, in that all of the "Keys" end up being statements that many or most people would probably agree with--at least, they're things most people would at least pretend were true about themselves. Here are the results to the quiz/Keys To My Heart: (I've decided that they're too boring without my endlessly witty comments)

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
(Yeah, I don't go for the slave type. Or the bridled girls. You know.)

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.
(Strange, I actually prefer the unoriginal type who occasionally bores me.)

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
(Do you know anyone who wants their lover to assume they can't be trusted?)

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.
(Who or what, may I ask, would do the forcing?)

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
(I don't know. I'm all for the one-night-stands. My ideal relationship would be with a girl whose name I had trouble remembering and was over the next day.)

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
(...can you see the halo over my head as I nod in blithe consent?)

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.
(Most of my thought processes are subtly contradictory, so this one's spot on.)

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.
(I got nothing.)


Well, I hope that was informative for anyone who is actively searching for the keys to this cold, hard heart.

Thinking: A How-To Guide on Being Productive

Today, I found myself looking at an endless parade of boring facebook pictures and had an epiphany. I worry, constantly, that I'm not as productive as I'd like to be. And then I wonder why that is--what's holding me back from my inner Type-A personality (I always dream of being Type-A, but I think I operate on more of a Type-D, or E level).

Epiphany: AHA! When I stare unthinkingly at facebook pictures, I fail to be productive! So is it wrong to look at facebook pictures? No, it's just pointless, but that's beside the point--the point is that there's a different point that points to pointing out that there's a point at which I swear I have a point....

I think there was something about bunnies. NO! That was before. We're done with bunnies. Now, it's about thinking, or not thinking--it's about falling into the trap of doing things unthinkingly, like reading another whole article on Hilary Clinton's failed campaign.

So, here's my guide to being productive: Think.

Courtesy of Alyssa Smith

This trumps the one from a couple days ago.

Dante

Devil May Cry is cool.

Wait, better--Dante is so cool. What a bad-a, I mean really. With those guns, and that sick sword, and that white hair.

I remember this one time, when, a sword shot out of a wall and nailed Dante to the wall. So then he, like, pulls himself off the wall with the sword still anchored into the wood, hilt and everything just right through his body. Then he turns around and rips the sword off the wall and says something like, I think (if I remember), "Cool." Cause Dante's not much of a talker. Or a thinker. But, man, is he a bad-a.

Pain

Pain in my face

Pain in my face originating in my eyes

Pain in my face originating in my eyes and making me ill

Pain in my face originating in my eyes and making me ill as I stare

Pain in my face originating in my eyes and making me ill as I stare in horror and disbelief

Pain in my face originating in my eyes and making me ill as I stare in horror and disbelief at a bunny

Pain in my face originating in my eyes and making me ill as I stare in horror and disbelief at bunny saying...

..."Hello."


Woops. There went my lunch. Oh wait...OK, I think that's the last of--

...

*Gasp*

Literally

So here's a pet peeve: People use the word "literally" for emphasis. Here are some wonderful examples.

I thought--literally--I thought I was going to die.
(Actual thought: "This is very unpleasant.")

She literally flew across the finish line!
("She crossed the finish line very, very fast.")

I'm literally starving to death right now.
("I've very hungry.")

My arms were literally falling off.
("My arms were very sore.")

I literally couldn't sleep at all last night.
("I didn't sleep very well last night.")

My head is literally going to explode.
("I'm fairly certain that my head will not literally explode.")

And here's one from the New York Daily News:
"Rep. Anthony Weiner, a likely 2009 mayoral candidate, is pouring his heart into Hillary Clinton's White House bid - literally."

I also recommend a look at this entertaining article. But only if, you know, you're anxious to become so irritated your head literally explodes.

Butterflies are ugly

You don't believe me, look at one up close.

I just made up a new word:

SPECTABULISTIC

Yes, it's just one more unfunny example of someone (in this case, me) trying to hide the sad fact that their vocabulary is woefully sub-par. I can sound smart and clever by combining synonyms for "good." For example, here is a list of synonyms:

Fantabulous
Beautifical
Wondertastic
Marvelicious
Danderific
Stupendiful

Definition: Really, really, really good.

And then there's the slowly dying word, the mere utterance of which some overly-large families still find unjustifiably hilarious: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

Be wise, my friends, and never, ever utter that word. I should also add that singing the song is probably akin to signing a social death warrant.

Today, I thought about the fact that I'm single. And then I thought (as I often do, here, a Mormon, at BYU and getting older every day), "Who will I marry?"

Because I consider this to be a question of surpassing import, I decided to ask the Internet. Here is what the Internet told me:

"never get married your happy single. but thats not to say you cant look for a good time keep your eyes open and look your best."

Well spoken, Internet. Thank you for your wise counsel.